Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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