i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
