the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
