Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.