Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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