I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
