I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
