I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Hippo gnu deer
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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