Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
