I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
