i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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