Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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