I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
babies were throwing up all over the place
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
This baby is an asshole
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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