i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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