god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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