he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
