Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
