so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
