So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
