my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
