DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
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Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
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I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
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