If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize