did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
he just fucked me for my cheese.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I see more hoeing in ur future
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