I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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