Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
