I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
