i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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