and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
