I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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