Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
