someone get that fucking seahorse.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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