Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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