I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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