Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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