Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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