so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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