White coat. Heels.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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