please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
