Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Randomize
