A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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