Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize