i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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