I look better un-naked...
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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