she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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