I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
