So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
