Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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