I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
