Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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