he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
