if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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