Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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