it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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