my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i came on her dog
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
