Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
