does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
