when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
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We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
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