i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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